It is almost impossible to pinpoint the leading causes of divorce in the US because “no fault” divorce has been in place for decades in most states. Because of this, there are few legal records of value for social scientists to study. In a “no fault” state, a spouse need only cite “irreconcilable differences” or “incompatibility” as his or her reason for divorce.
Well, here are three extremely common problems that often lead to divorce.
Addiction or Mental Health Problems
According to the article “Depression and Divorce” at webmd.com, counselor Joan R. Sherman, MFT says that no one knows how frequently depression is to blame for marriage problems. Yet, Sherman sees lots of couples who are seeking counseling because one of the partners has clinical depression and the marriage is falling apart.
Depression is not really a cause of divorce, but many consequences of untreated depression are. Sherman explains that she never hears anyone say, “I got a divorce because my wife was depressed.” However, she does hear, “My spouse became distant and had an affair,” in situations where depression was probably the cause.
Depression often leads to other problems:
- A depressed spouse may stop eating, overeat, sleep too much, sleep too little, or have difficulty staying connected emotionally with his or her partner.
- A depressed person can lose his or her job.
- People with undiagnosed depression often try to self-medicate with alcohol or drugs.
Sexual Problems and Divorce
Divorce Attorney Wendy Jaffe, author of the book The Nine Symptoms of Divorce, says that the issues concerning sex and divorce are really misunderstood.
“People have this impression that the sex problems that cause divorce are couples arguing over, ‘Should it be once a week? Should it be twice a week?’…Those are not the sex issues that cause divorce. What divorce lawyers are saying is that people who aren’t having sex at all…(people who) haven’t had sex for a year or two years to five years (are the ones getting divorced).”
Money Problems and Divorce
Lack of money is usually not the problem that causes divorce. There are other stressful ways that finances cause marital rifts. Wendy Jaffe says that, after practicing law in Beverly Hills, she knows that the amount of money involved is not the problem. Jaffe says that it’s how people handle that money that causes the friction.
Money problems that lead to divorce:
- Personality conflicts. An example is a spender who is married to a saver.
- Radical changes. Problems occur with extreme highs and lows in income (job loss, winning the lottery). Marriages usually do well when income is stable.
- Control issues. It’s always a problem when a high earner assumes total control over all the money.
- Gambling. A spouse who is married to a gambler will opt out of the marriage if the family is heading towards financial ruin.
Marital Problems and Solutions
The problems mentioned above do not always lead to divorce.
Many times couples can find a way to stay together and work through their problems. Sometimes a couple needs the help of a therapist, a physician (for antidepressants), or a religious counselor (priest, rabbi, minister). And, there are stories of couples who have had long happy marriages after a long-term affair was exposed. Of course, it took lots of soul searching and hard work.
Counseling doesn’t always help and sometimes, for safety reasons, the only answer is divorce. However, most couples should consider other options before divorcing. A divorce can have devastating effects on one’s children as well as one’s bank account.
Note: Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.
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Resources/Sources:
Divorce.com. "Top Five Ways That Money Problems Cause Divorce" (accessed on June 3, 2010).
Doheny, Kathleen. "Depression and Divorce: How Does Depression Affect Marriage and Relationships?" webmd.com (accessed on June 3, 2010).
Bethanne Patrick interview with Wendy Jaffee. "The Nine Symptoms of Divorce," aol.com (accessed on June 3, 2010).
Christina Gregoire - Christina Gregoire writes about divorce, fashion, and baby boomers. Her forte is explaining complex ideas in simple language.
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