What to Tell the Kids About Divorce?

What to Say to Children When Mom and Dad are Getting Divorced

Feb 12, 2010
Christina Gregoire

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What should parents tell their children about divorce? When should they tell them? Here are some ideas from a clinical child psychologist / child custody mediator.

What is the best way to tell kids about a divorce? Both parents, who are beginning the divorce process, should tell their children together, with mother, father, and all of the children in the same room.

It may be difficult, but the most important way to break the news is to tell the kids in this manner, and for both parents to agree on the same story about the divorce.

Hard to Tell Kids

Parents feel awful about telling their kids that their lives are going through a permanent change. Parents feel:

Guilt
Sadness
Anger

It can be so difficult for parents, that they don’t want to face their kids with the news.

Not Telling the Children

Many parents don’t tell the children about the divorce until one of the parents has actually moved out. Waiting until that point is a bad idea. It makes kids feel betrayed and deceived. Children are better off hearing the truth, then the parents can help the kids deal with their feelings.

How to Tell Kids About Separation

In his article entitled "What Should We Tell the Children? Developing a Mutual Story of the Divorce" that appears on Mediate.com, Donald Saposnek, PhD, a clinical child psychologist, gives great advice about how to come together as a family and explain the situation to kids in the least injurious way possible.

According to Saposnek: “In my many years of working with divorcing families, I’ve learned that one of the most important first steps that parents can take…is to develop, together, a ‘mutual story of the divorce’, and to tell it to their children together, as a family at the same time.”

Children and Trust

When mom talks to the kids, then dad talks to the kids, the children will hear two different stories.

Both parents will be telling their own version of the truth, but because each story is different, this leaves the children feeling that one parent is lying to them, and they will not know which one. This can lead to:

A child who doesn’t feel he can trust either parent.
A child who feels that she can only love one of her parents.

Same Story

Here is a common example. Mother and father have been drifting apart for years. Father had an affair and mother kicked him out.

Mother’s story: "Mom and Dad are getting a divorce because Dad was unfaithful."

Father’s story: "Mother has not shown affection and doesn’t love me, so I decided to leave. I am angry with Mom for making me leave."

With a mutual story, mother and father say something like, “We have been married for a long time. We both love all of you children and we always will.

"Mom and Dad used to love each other very much, but we have been unhappy for a long time. We tried to make things better, but it hasn’t worked. We think we will be happier living apart and because we will be happier, we feel that we will be better parents to you. We will both see you regularly and we will continue to take care of you even though we will be living at different houses.”

All of this is true.

There is no reason for parents to go into the intimate details. If parents can’t come up with a story that works for both of them, it is time to find a divorce counselor. An attorney will know the names of several good divorce therapists.

Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.

Resource:

Saposnek, Donald T., PhD. Mediate.com. "What Should We Tell the Children? Developing a Mutual Story of the Divorce", 2002 (accessed February 12, 2010).