In a divorce, especially with a joint custody situation, order and predictability are important for everyone. And, that's because every member of a divorced family has had a jolt that could knock the strongest person onto his or her keister. Well, the best way to rebuild a happy home (or two) is to give one's children a solid framework of lovingly enforced rules.
Kids Need a Routine
According to Isolina Ricci, in her book Mom’s House, Dad’s House [Fireside, 1997], when a family is going through a transition like divorce, all parties long for a feeling of predictability. And, the changes are especially hard on children. One day a child is living in a house with "a family" then, randomly and overnight, he or she must adapt to a fragmented life, split between two worlds.
Children love both of their parents and will always hope that things will revert to "normal". However, kids are strong and resilient, and they will survive this. Children can be helped by a daily structure, even if the regimen is a bit different in each household.
Recently Divorced Parents
Many parents, who have just pulled through a divorce, will be having a tough time, too. The stress can be paralyzing. And, newly divorced parents often feel:
- Anxious
- Angry
- Depressed
- Demoralized
- Remorseful
- Discouraged
Any of these feelings are normal for a divorced parent.
Newly single mothers and fathers can feel lethargic (tired and detached) from coping with these overwhelming feelings. Divorced parents may have new fears about financial security and loneliness. So, it's normal for depression (or anger) to stop some parents from establishing daily routines in their new households.
Children Need Consistent Parenting
Establishing daily routines and rituals is comforting to children. So, both parents should do their best to rally and to keep household organization from going downhill. Each parent must try to recover a "bare minimum" working order within his or her own house. In tough times, kids crave (somewhat flexible) boundaries.
Parents can establish a routine for everyone (in their own house) to follow, for things like:
- Getting ready in the morning
- Preparing and eating meals
- Buying groceries
- Transporting kids to school and sports
- Doing homework
- Times for rest and play
- Bedtimes
Putting effort into household management may sound like a boring chore, but common sense and research support this action as important for calming a child's fears. Using a routine chart (with pictures for younger children) can help kids adjust to their new lives.
A Sense of Security
“A sensible routine, with regular meals and regular times for shared recreation, translates into ‘home’, being cared about, and a sense of security,” according to Ms Ricci. And, this makes sense. Children may harbor an unspoken fear of a parent abandoning them. Any return to routine may allay these fears.
Routine Helps Divorced Parents
According to one father in Ricci’s book, "Knowing my kids needed that routine forced me to be orderly for at least part of my week. Even when I didn't think I could make dinner or read that bedtime story, I did it. It actually did make things easier – not only for them, but for me, too."
- The earlier a family brings order back into their lives, the easier it is for everyone to readjust.
Kids House Rules
According to Ricci, “A sensible routine not only feels safe, it also allows our minds and bodies to calm down and heal. If your natural inclination is to be a relaxed and permissive parent, consider tightening up with a routine at least during your first year.”
- Rules don't need to be exactly the same at both houses.
- Somewhat similar rules, in both houses, mean less confusion for a constantly readjusting child.
It makes sense that children can be stressed out by changes. To help a child feel happy, safe and loved, each parent may have to work a bit harder. In divorced life, a happy home is a home with reasonable and predictable ground rules.
Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.
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Resource:
Ricci, Isolina, Ph. D. "Setting Up Two Happy Homes For Your Children". Cadivorce.com, 2009.
Christina Gregoire - Christina Gregoire writes about divorce, fashion, and baby boomers. Her forte is explaining complex ideas in simple language.
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