Helping children adapt to two happy homes is just one step in the divorce dance, but it is one of the top concerns. Raising kids always brings a combination of joy and stress, but helping every child feel happy, safe, and loved is an important goal for all mothers and fathers. Divorced parents can make joint custody arrangements work out.
Children of Divorce
Kids need to know that they are loved and wanted in both homes. They need to have a sense of belonging and they shouldn’t need to pack a suitcase when going back and forth between two houses or apartments.
Many divorced parents with joint custody arrangements take their kids shopping for new things. It’s not always easy to swing this financially after the divorce hits, but it is helpful, even if it’s just a few items. Let each child pick out his or her new clothes and toiletries:
- Toothbrush, toothpaste
- Shampoo
- Socks, underwear, pajamas
- A toy or two for young children in joint custody
- A DVD or CD for older children
- Sunglasses, hairclips, alarm clock, or other non-essentials, if possible
- New bedding (or sleeping bag if space or money is tight)
It is helpful when an ex-wife and ex-husband are on good enough terms to divide some of their child’s belongings, because many kids like to have one or two familiar items in each home. (Most small children should not be involved while their clothes or toys are divvied up. It’s just too stressful.) It can, however, be helpful to let children have one or two things to carry back and forth to each house, like a favorite toy, jacket, or pair of pajamas. Try to have two or three changes of clothing at each home.
Joint Custody Children
Children need their own space and privacy. In a perfect world, each child would have his or her own bedroom, but in a perfect world there would be no divorce.
Each child needs a space to store his or her own toys, clothes, and personal items. Children feel wanted and loved if they have a secure, permanent spot to keep everything they need. In a pinch, when there’s no other option, parents can give their bottom dresser drawer to a child. In this drawer, or any space where a child keeps his or her belongings, each child's items must be:
- Safe and protected from siblings or step siblings.
- Untouched by other family members.
This is essential to develop a sense of permanence in the home.
Children's Rights
A child needs his or her own place to sleep. It’s better to have beds for children, but it’s okay to have them sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. And if this is the plan:
- It must be the child's own sleeping bag.
- The rolled-up sleeping bag stays in the same closet.
Divorced Men and Divorced Women
It is very helpful to a joint custody child if parents can be civil with each other. Sometimes, one of the exes takes the war too far and won’t divide toys or clothes with the other parent. In cases like this, a parent must do the best he or she can.
All divorced parents raising kids in a joint custody arrangement should try to remember that little things make a big difference. Helping children of divorce adjust to new living arrangements is so important. It takes both parents to make two happy homes for their children, but each parent has the power to give a child at least one happy home. With reasonable adults, joint custody can work out.
Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.
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Resource:
Ricci, Isolina, Ph. D. "Setting Up Two Happy Homes For Your Children". Cadivorce.com, 2009.
Christina Gregoire - Christina Gregoire writes about divorce, fashion, and baby boomers. Her forte is explaining complex ideas in simple language.
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