Helping Children Cope With Divorce by Getting Along With Your Ex

Jul 26, 2010
Christina Gregoire

Children Cope With Divorce - Cheyenne

Find a way to talk to your ex if you have children. A divorced couple doesn't have to like each other, but they must be a team or the kids will suffer.

There are so many emotions going on after a divorce that it is difficult for parents to know how to handle daily events. Well, what is it like for a child who has no control over any of these changes? Maybe adults can understand a little about their kids' feelings by contemplating the following scenario.

How Does a Child of Divorce Feel?

Have you ever had your computer crash, with no warning, and you had no backup?

How did you feel when you realized you might have just lost all of your financial data, the phone numbers of your friends, all of your photos, and your schedule for next week?
Did you feel angry and helpless?
Were you worried and nervous?
Did you want to cry?
Did you cry?

And, what if that same day you were evicted from your apartment, you lost your main source of income, your friends stopped talking to you, and you were told that more bad things were going to happen, but no one knew what they would be?

Welcome to the world of a child whose parents are separating or divorcing.

Children and Feelings About Divorce

The scenario above is similar to what a child goes through after hearing that his or her parents are breaking up.

Computer Crash: The child finds out that everything he or she has ever known has been lost.
Fix the Computer: The child tries to find a way to put it all back together, and thinks, “What did I do wrong to make this happen?” “How can I fix this?”
Evicted: Many kids move to a smaller house or apartment after divorce.
Lost Source of Income: Daddy leaves and daddy might or might not pay maintenance or child support.
Lost Friends: Other mothers quietly steer their children away from playing with, or hanging out with, children of divorce.
More Bad Things: The child’s parents tell the child that other things will change, but the parents don’t quite know what these changes will be.

Divorced Parents Must Work Together

There are ways to mitigate the damage from the above scenario and one of the most important ways is for parents to do their best to get along. It can be difficult, there is no question about it, but it is essential to try. Here are tips for mothers and fathers who are separated:

Parents must talk to each other. If this cannot be done in a civilized manner, parents should use email. But, they must find a way to communicate.
Parents must not “bad mouth” the other parent within earshot of children. A child who hears this will feel forced to take sides.
Parents should try to agree on matters related to the kids. Otherwise, each child will feel that he/she is the cause of the problem.
Each parent must encourage the other parent to spend time with the children.
Each parent must encourage the kids to call the other parent just to chat, or to tell the other parent about events in their lives.

Children and Friends

When parents talk to each other, it means that the mother and father are on the same page (somewhat) about rules and supervision. This means that it is less likely the child will have vast amounts of unsupervised time, whenever he/she is shuttled from house to house. When parents keep in touch, both parents will be able to enforce school homework and other rules.

Other Mothers in the Neighborhood

Other mothers do not want their children around any child who runs around unsupervised. That is one of the main reasons that kids (who stay in the same school) lose their lifelong friends after a divorce. When divorced parents work as a team to raise their children, this squelches the fears of other parents.

Exes don’t have to like each other, but they must try to get along. This will make children feel more secure, feel more loved, and feel they have friends. It will help them do well in school. So, smile and try to get along with the ex.

Note: Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.Find this interesting?

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Resources/Sources:

HelpGuide.org. Children and Divorce: Helping Your Kids Cope With the Effects of Separation and Divorce (accessed July 26th, 2010).

WebMD.com. Kids Coping With Divorce (accessed July 26th, 2010).