Most parents dread having to tell their children that they are getting a divorce. While no child wants to hear that the family is breaking up, kids often have a predictable initial response that relates to their developmental stage. Knowing what this might be, will help parents plan for the challenges of divorce.
The following scenarios reflect the work of Donald T. Saposnek, PhD, who is a clinical child psychologist, instructor at UC Santa Cruz for over 30 years, as well as author and leader in the field of child custody mediation.
How to Tell the Kids About the Divorce
One of the most important ideas, about children and divorce, comes from Dr. Saposnek, who has an easy-to-understand explanation regarding the best way to break the divorce news to the kids. Dr. Saposnek feels that a child will adapt more easily, to divorce, if both parents tell the same story, together, as a unified front.
Dr. Saposnek calls this method, telling a “mutual story,” and it allows children to feel good about continuing to love both parents. Here are common ways that children react to information about their parent’s divorce.
Young Children Under 5
Children under the age of 5 have various reactions depending on their personality. These kids will probably have one of these responses; they will:
- Cry. Then, they will act as if they didn’t hear about the divorce.
- Change the subject. That's because they want to stop their feelings.
- Show no emotion. Then, they will leave the room to process their feelings. (Parents should continue to reach out to this type of quiet child.)
When young children need to understand the world around them, they use toys and play. For little ones, play is work. Parents need to use playtime, art, and stories to talk to young children.
School Age Children
Dr. Saposnek says that kids over 5 or 6 will usually either:
- “Get sad and cry”
- “Get angry and yell”
After this initial reaction, a school age child will either:
- “Ask questions immediately”
- “Stomp out of the room” and come back with questions. (Possibly, several times.)
Parents of schoolchildren should be prepared to answer these two common questions:
- "Can I still see my Daddy if he moves away?"
- "Will Mommy and I have enough money to live on, if Daddy moves away?"
Help for Parents of Teens
An adolescent’s reaction will probably be extreme. Teens who hear about their parents’ divorces will probably react in one of three ways:
- Intense anger. Then, they will scream something like: "Why are you trying to ruin my life?"
- Tears and bitterness. Then, they'll give a sad retort like: "How can you do this to me? It’s so unfair."
- Have no visible reaction. Then, they will add a nonchalant quip like: "Who cares, anyway?" (With this kid, parents must brace themselves for a major backlash.)
What Happens After Parents Announce Their Divorce
Many parents, who present a unified front, will be able to help their children adapt to a new life. Sometimes, parents are not on speaking terms with each other. A parent must adapt to that situation and do her best, because life really is unfair.
If a child, of any age, does not seem to be adjusting to the new arrangement, a psychologist might be able to help. However, in the words of Dr. Saposnek, “Therapy does not take the place of good parenting and will not ‘make everything all right’ for a child of divorce. At best, it can help the child identify feelings… (and)…offer strategies for managing those feelings.”
Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.
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Resource:
Saposnek, Donald T., PhD. Mediate.com. Children's Reactions to the News of Divorce: What They Need from You, 2003 (accessed February 13, 2010).
Christina Gregoire - Christina Gregoire writes about divorce, fashion, and baby boomers. Her forte is explaining complex ideas in simple language.
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