Single dads need to learn to do the right thing when they only have their kids on weekends, every other weekend, or for summer vacations and holidays. Here are tips to make infrequent visitation for Disneyland Dads, and children of divorce, work. But, what is the right thing?
What is a Disneyland Dad?
A "Disneyland Dad" is a father who tries to buy his children’s love by giving the kids whatever they want, taking them to all the fun places in town, using no discipline, following no routines, and giving in to his kids' every whim. So for the child, visiting dad is like going to Disneyland.
Fathers With Kids on Weekends or Infrequent Visitation Rights
Usually, a Disneyland Dad only has the kids for infrequent visits, but some fathers try to buy their children’s love even when they have the kids more often, such as, on weekends or every other weekend.
Fathers who follow this pattern are often:
- Motivated by guilt
- Competing with their ex-wife
- Afraid of losing their child’s love
- Trying to make up for lost time
The children, obviously, are thrilled with Disneyland Dad and the guilty pleasures, but this won’t last and it can’t last. It is totally understandable that fathers want to make the most out of their visits with kids. It means that these dads love and miss their children, and want each child to love them back.
And kids, while they will manipulate parents and take advantage of Disneyland Dads, also are onto the scam. Children know that it’s not normal for their dad to act like this. Kids aren’t stupid.
Why spoiling the kids won’t work:
- Dads will run out of money.
- Dads will run out of new ideas.
- Kids will expect more and more.
- If father stops the treats, his kids will think they are no longer loved.
Do the Right Thing for Children of Divorce
What is the right thing for dads to do when they see their kids less often than they would like? What can fathers do to keep from turning into a Disneyland Dad? Here are some ideas:
- Don’t try to make up for lost time, because it is impossible.
- Dads should treat their children like they live there. They do. When kids are at dad’s house, they do live with him.
- Each child should have some chores, keep up with school studies, juggle soccer balls, practice piano, or whatever they normally do at mom’s house.
- Kids should follow dad’s house rules. Dads, with joint custody or visitation rights, should not feel guilty about enforcing rules, because kids feel safer when a reasonable and orderly system is in place.
- Dads don't need to go overboard with the fun. Children will love their fathers no matter what. They will always feel love for daddy.
- Plan ahead for fun times, but stay flexible.
- Have open time when children can relax, by themselves.
- Fathers should plan for spending time alone with each child every day, doing something like: reading with him or her, hitting baseballs, making a salad, or just talking.
Listen to Kids
Give kids a choice about what they want to do. Let each child make a list of some activities he or she loves. It might surprise dad to find out that his little girl or little guy has outgrown McDonald's or baby toys, and now likes paintball or the science museum. But, remember that fathers don’t have to do everything on the list.
Dads can learn to do the right thing with kids during weekends or summer. Knowing that these tips have worked for other fathers makes them easier to follow. Plan some fun times, even if it’s just running through sprinklers in the back yard. Plan some down time for relaxing and hanging out. Plan for time with each child, individually. These are tips for making visitation work. Nothing has to cost a lot and Disneyland Dads are out of style. Every father needs to know that it’s best to keep life as normal as possible for children of divorce.
Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.
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Resources:
Brott, Armin. "On Not Being a Disneyland Dad". mrdad.com, 2008.
Swardenski, Gloria. "The Disneyland Dad: Advice from the Coach". Womansdivorce.com. 2009.
Christina Gregoire - Christina Gregoire writes about divorce, fashion, and baby boomers. Her forte is explaining complex ideas in simple language.
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