Remarriage offers a wonderful new start for a man and a woman. And when both spouses have children from former marriages, these blended families result in a new birth order. Old sibling relationships change when one first born is no longer at the head of the line, and one last born is no longer the baby. There are other challenges involved with family mergers, but parents who anticipate their children's reactions can help smooth the transition. What are the issues involved?
- Each child's position in the new birth order
- Sibling relationships, rivalries, and jealousies
- Family rules
- Children's bedrooms and private space
New Birth Order and Sibling Relationships
First Borns: Only one can be first. When a 12-year-old girl must hand over her leadership position to a 13-year-old stepsister, things may not be pretty. If two 10-year-old boys become "almost twins", there could be a battle, either physically or verbally, to determine which one is top dog.
Middle Children: Parents should give special consideration to the kids in the middle. Each boy and girl needs some alone time (even a few minutes) each day with his or her biological parent. Middle children often know how to compromise and get along, but they shouldn't get lost in the shuffle.
Last Borns: Only one child can be the cute, cuddly baby of the family. An impish "Dennis the Menace" might find himself upstaged by a younger, more precocious "Shirley Temple".
Only Children: This special child must learn to share. Only children can be thrown into a lion's den of brothers and sisters who have spent years learning how to negotiate, compete, and form alliances.
New Babies Born into a Blended Family: Studies have shown that children born into a new marriage get more attention than the older stepchildren. It is important for moms and dads to do their best to give equal status to the older kids.
Step Families and Rules
The rules and behaviors of a biological family develop over time. In blended families, these rules can collide. One parent may have strict expectations of behaviors, while the other parent lets most things slide. It is difficult enough to accept new siblings. Discipline should be fair.
- Discuss what the house rules will be.
- Both parents should be open to change.
- It is best when biological parents discipline their own children.
Bedrooms and Private Space
Lack of private space is an area of conflict. "Children in blended families are asked to share, all of a sudden, their room, their toys, their clothes," according to Dr. Emily B. Visher. The best solution is for both families to move into a new house or apartment to avoid territorial squabbles, but financially that's often impossible.
Parents should try to give each child his or her own room. Kids have spent years finding their niche in the family, and when their identity is challenged by new stepbrothers and stepsisters, it is important to have a place to get away from it all. If rooms must be shared, a curtain or screen can be used to divide the territory. Teach children to respect each other's private space.
Help for Families
- Watch home movies and share family albums to give each child an anchor to the past and a window into a step sibling's background.
- Start new holiday traditions, with something familiar from each family's rituals.
- Rotate bedrooms each year.
- Give an equal number of presents to each child at Christmas and birthdays.
Tips from Dr. Visher:
- Don't expect all the kids to love each other and be best friends right away.
- Give the children a chance to connect to each other based on the real relationship as they perceive it.
Blended families are now more common than biological families, as remarriages climb. Parents needing extra help are lucky to have a network of family counselors, teachers, and support groups. Sibling relationships will adapt and the new birth order works itself out, eventually. Some kids who were the oldest, are happy to have an older sibling as a role model. And, only children may find that they are no longer lonely.
Note: Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.
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References:
Kutner, Lawrence. Parent & Child; In Blended Families, Rivalries Intensify. nytimes.com, Jan 5, 1989.
Visher, Emily B. How to Win as a Stepfamily. Florence, Kentucky: Routledge, 1991.
Christina Gregoire - Christina Gregoire writes about divorce, fashion, and baby boomers. Her forte is explaining complex ideas in simple language.
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