After a divorce or the death of a parent, adult children often react just like little kids when their moms or dads remarry. Everyone assumes a new step parent will cause disruption in the life of a 10-year-old boy or girl. However, it is surprising how many adult children have the same reaction.
Remarriage
There are approximately 500,000 couples over 65 who remarry each year, so if each senior has 2 children (the average), then 2 million adults become stepchildren. In reality this number is an extremely low estimate because many adult children have parents who are in their 40s or 50s.
While every child has his or her own reasons to bless or hate an older parent's marriage, there are some commonalities involved.
According to Dr. Grace Gabe, co-author of the book Step Wars: Overcoming the Perils and Making Peace Within Stepfamilies (St. Martin Press, 2004), many adult children are “unwilling to become a stepchild”. And, Dr. Gabe feels that older remarried parents have a real challenge when trying to blend two families into one family "long after the members are set in their ways”.
Adult Children of Divorce - ACOD
Stepfamily problems are not just relegated to fairy tales by The Brothers Grimm. Almost every adult child reacts the same way, though some children take resentment to an extreme.
In the article, "Dad’s Remarriage" published on the Bonus Families website, Dr. Jann Blackstone-Ford explains that many senior and boomer parents do not “take the same care a parent with younger children takes when integrating a new companion into the family. They often figure ‘the kids are adults, they get it.’ And then they go about their business.”
But in reality, adult children can be hit just as hard, can be just as stubborn, and can try to sabotage the new relationship every bit as much as any 5-year-old.
When dad or mom wants to move on with his or her life, children become resentful. A parent who loses a partner to illness looks like he or she is trying to forget the dead spouse. Children of divorced parents lose all hope of a parental reconciliation.
Common Problems Adult Children Have About a Parent's Remarriage
There are three major difficulties that adult children have with a parent’s engagement or remarriage:
- There is grief over the death of a parent or the death of a marriage. Adult children need to understand that “life will never be exactly the same, but it can be just as good,” writes Dr. Blackstone-Ford.
- A child’s parent is not just a parent, but also someone’s lover. As such Dr. Blackstone-Ford stresses that children should respect their parent for his or her wish to keep living a full life.
- Children have concerns about the inheritance issue. Adult children worry that if an older man remarries, and his new wife outlives him, their dad’s money will go to their stepsiblings.
The only way to overcome these obstacles is to have open communication with one’s parent. Without that, resentment will continue to grow, grief will become all-consuming, and worries about inheritance will multiply. The other way that adult children can overcome these issues is to understand that older people have the same needs for companionship, stability, security, and sexuality as younger adults.
Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer or other professional for specific advice.
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Stepchildren & Biological Children's Rivalry
Resources:
Blackstone-Ford, Jann. "Dad's Remarriage". bonusfamilies.com (accessed 25 December, 2009).
Haas, Jane Glenn. When Older Parents Remarry, Look Out! Adult Kids May Behave Like Children. Thefreelibrary.com, October 31, 2004.
Christina Gregoire - Christina Gregoire writes about divorce, fashion, and baby boomers. Her forte is explaining complex ideas in simple language.
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