I’ve heard it hundreds of times. Women leave their marriages because they are bored, they are unhappy, they don’t have enough money, their husbands don’t help with the kids, or their husbands are boring. Usually, women say something vague like:
- "The magic is gone."
- "I just don’t love him anymore."
Well, I don’t want to rain on your fantasy parade of having a better life "out there", but I have been divorced twice, and I want to let you know what I’ve seen in my own life and in the lives of other families.
Abuse and Infidelity
Before I go any further, I want to add that, if there is physical or emotional abuse, drug or alcohol abuse, or ongoing infidelity, you should leave. This article does not apply to women in abusive households.
20 Reasons to Stay Married
I might have left out your reasons for staying married, but it was easy for me to, quickly, jot down twenty things that might make women think twice before getting a divorce. I'm not saying that no one should divorce; I'm saying that you don't want to jump into something without knowing the real-life consequences faced by many divorcees.
1. Divorce Will Screw up Your Kids: If you are truly disappointed in your choice of partners, and you have no children, you probably should get a divorce. If you have children, you should consider staying married for the sake of your kids. Yes, this is an unpopular point of view, but please read The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study, by Judith S. Wallerstein, before making your decision. Ms Wallerstein believes that most children are harmed by divorce. Here is an article by William Vogel, PhD, which sums up the basic results of Wallerstein's landmark, longitudinal study.
2. It’s Hard to Raise Kids Alone: No matter what you have seen on TV or in the movies, it’s much more difficult to raise kids alone. First, your kids fall apart. Then, you fall apart. Eventually, you will reestablish equilibrium, but it takes a while.
3. Marriage Gives a Sense of Permanency: No matter where you move or what difficulties you go through, you will have someone on your side.
4. It’s Easier to Be Creative When You Have That Sense of Permanency: It’s also easier to be productive, easier to work at your job, and easier to find peace.
5. You Have More Money When You’re Married: This, of course, is not always true, but it is true most of the time. Your net worth, after a divorce, will be half as much as when you were married.
6. Married People Live Longer: No one has devised a perfect study for this but current evidence says that “...single women face a 23 percent higher mortality risk, compared to married women.”
7. Married People Are Healthier: The US Health Department is promoting marriage because men and women have healthier lives when married. Many of these benefits are derived from living together, too.
8. You have Someone Who Can Help: When you are married, you have someone to take care of you when you’re sick. This is important when you get older. Having someone to help you take care of your children is important when you’re younger.
9. You Fit In: Married women have an easier time fitting into many social situations where a divorced woman may feel uncomfortable. I can't think of a typical situation where the reverse would apply.
10. You May Repeat Choices: Many women choose new men who are similar to their ex-husbands, and they end up in the same situation.
11. You Want to Retire Someday: A married couple, with the same financial goals, is more likely to stick to the plan and save money.
12. Life Is Not a Fairy Tale: Watch Pretty Woman again, while remembering that hookers are more likely to get beaten up than to marry handsome, wealthy, single men.
13. You Will Have to Date Again: Even if you say you want to stay single, you will end up dating. Dating is not as much fun when you are older and you have children.
14. You Still Love Him: You probably still love your husband on some level. He is the father of your children. If you don't love him, maybe you can like him.
15. No Couples Never Fight: All couples argue about how to spend money, how to save money, how to raise children, and how to deal with in-laws.
16. Divorced Men Are Broke: While there are exceptions to this rule, most men you will date are divorced and have child-support payments. Also, they have lost their homes.
17. Holidays Are Easier When You Are Married: If you stick it out, someday you will be able to have your grandkids over for Thanksgiving AND Christmas, because the family will be together. Divorce just makes holidays more stressful for everyone. Here are tips from Robert Emery, PhD, about how to handle left-over anger during holidays, should you choose to divorce.
18. You Should Try to Keep Your Word: Following through on your commitment is unselfish and it makes you a good role model for your children. But, don’t make your kids miserable by stressing this point. You might as well get a divorce if you’re going to make your kids miserable over your married martyrdom.
19. You Will Lose All Your Friends: You might keep one or two women friends after your divorce, but, in my opinion, you are more likely to lose your friends. If you don't lose your pals outright, your friends will distance themselves. And, this makes sense. You can't take ski vacations with another couple and their children anymore. Dinner parties can be awkward because you don't fit in as well when you are single. It almost seems as if women think you want to steal their boring husbands or that divorce is contagious. And, maybe there is something to this idea of contagion, when you look at divorce clustering. Whatever the reason, you will need to find new women friends who fit into your new life.
20. Your Next Husband Will Have an Ex-Wife: You might be in the awkward position of being a stepmother and having "another woman" in your life.
I know that this list contains a lot of generalities about life after divorce, and you might be the exception to the rules. However, it is more likely that you will have to deal with many of these problems. And, if you are already divorced, you know what I’m talking about. Yet, in spite of these difficulties, I know that you divorced babes will make it.
Note: Information from this article is not intended to be a substitute for advice from a lawyer, financial planner, therapist, or other professional. Please consult a lawyer, therapist, or other professional for specific advice.
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Women Dating After Divorce: Men's Profiles
Christina Gregoire - Christina Gregoire writes about divorce, fashion, and baby boomers. Her forte is explaining complex ideas in simple language.
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